I have had the blessing and the curse of being a stay at home mom for nearly three years now. Partially due to our decision to have a second child, a little due to Lily's sometimes complicated medical needs, and largely due to my inability to work in traditional work environments because of my hearing problem I have not had employment since October 29, 2009. I don't know who said "it was the best of times and the worst of times" or if anyone said that but it fits my experience.
From the start of motherhood I had so much guilt about going to work. I returned to work 6 weeks after my first daughter was born and was plagued daily with guilt and with a paranoia that "everyone" was judging me for working instead of staying home and that I had somehow failed in life to not be in the position to stay at home. I also had this looming sense that I was going to regret squandering this time with my baby. I felt it doubtful that I would look back 10 years from now and have said "I wish I would have filed more paperwork" or "I remember entering information into the database and it was so fulfilling". But life was really complicated for the first few years of Lily's life. She was sick, my husband struggled to find gainful employment, and to be honest, I was terrified of being around Lily for long periods of time because it was just so sad to watch her seize and seize to no end. I actually sought refuge in work.
However, at a certain point it became clear that Paul needed to get back to work, he needed to build up his esteem that could only come from colleagues, and he needed my support at home. With great trepidation I made the leap and quit (I hated almost everything about my job so it wasn't soooo hard). One month later I found out that I was pregnant with my second child. Between Lily's therapy appointments, my weekly prenatal appointments, and my total exhaustion from pregnancy induced thyroid disease, I barely remember that first year and the time flew by. The second year, too was a bit of a blur, largely because Lola proved to be a pretty temperamental baby and I think I had pretty serious postpartum depression. I had to get pretty proactive with our lives.
The first thing I had to do was to find a reason to get out of the house. I found out that a library near our house did story time for babies every Tuesday and music class for babies every Thursday. Also, for a while, Lola and I went to my friend Patty's Song Spiral class once a week. I never met other mom's that I felt comfortable with and in those days I assumed all lacks of connection with others were due to me being a bad person so they had light and dark consequences. I tried to set up play dates but we would never get invited for the second date so I stopped seeking out other moms with which to judge myself against!
Second, I decided I had to go back to school in a very real way. We all had so much that had to be done to keep all of us going that it became clear that there would be no way for me to return to work full time but I was slipping further and further into the abyss. I hated my children, I resented my husband, and I felt like such a failure most of the time. So I went one day onto the UNM website and just started to look at graduate programs. It had never occurred to me to get a Master's so I didn't even know what you could get a Master's in. For about four months I had toyed with the idea of going to medical school but then realized that I would essentially have had to get a second undergraduate degree before I could apply and that was too much time (and way too much math and science!).
To my surprise there was a degree in Health Communication and I was already almost completely qualified for it! I scheduled the GRE test, bought a book, studied, and flunked the test. I went ahead and applied for the program anyways and enrolled for the two required courses that I would need to have before I could start my graduate work. I figured that if I didn't get in maybe I would work on a second undergraduate degree in Communication and reapply the next year for the graduate program.
I got in and have been enjoying the chance to use my brain in new ways. However, the itch to go back to work gets stronger as the days pass so I will begin teaching part time in August. If I can just hang in there a little longer. I don't think I will regret this time with my kids and I am almost sure that I would have always felt like I wish I'd stayed home when they were babes. I'm so grateful to my husband for creating a life where I can stay home and watch them grow.
I don't really think there are right and wrong ways to do things as long as you are not actually harming anyone. I miss the money, I'd like to be a little more financially comfortable but I think this was the right choice for this family right now. So, if you know a stay at home mom-hit her up! Ask her out to lunch, dinner, just go over and bring a pizza and visit! Or maybe don't and she might get a degree out of her restlessness or change the world.....
From the start of motherhood I had so much guilt about going to work. I returned to work 6 weeks after my first daughter was born and was plagued daily with guilt and with a paranoia that "everyone" was judging me for working instead of staying home and that I had somehow failed in life to not be in the position to stay at home. I also had this looming sense that I was going to regret squandering this time with my baby. I felt it doubtful that I would look back 10 years from now and have said "I wish I would have filed more paperwork" or "I remember entering information into the database and it was so fulfilling". But life was really complicated for the first few years of Lily's life. She was sick, my husband struggled to find gainful employment, and to be honest, I was terrified of being around Lily for long periods of time because it was just so sad to watch her seize and seize to no end. I actually sought refuge in work.
However, at a certain point it became clear that Paul needed to get back to work, he needed to build up his esteem that could only come from colleagues, and he needed my support at home. With great trepidation I made the leap and quit (I hated almost everything about my job so it wasn't soooo hard). One month later I found out that I was pregnant with my second child. Between Lily's therapy appointments, my weekly prenatal appointments, and my total exhaustion from pregnancy induced thyroid disease, I barely remember that first year and the time flew by. The second year, too was a bit of a blur, largely because Lola proved to be a pretty temperamental baby and I think I had pretty serious postpartum depression. I had to get pretty proactive with our lives.
The first thing I had to do was to find a reason to get out of the house. I found out that a library near our house did story time for babies every Tuesday and music class for babies every Thursday. Also, for a while, Lola and I went to my friend Patty's Song Spiral class once a week. I never met other mom's that I felt comfortable with and in those days I assumed all lacks of connection with others were due to me being a bad person so they had light and dark consequences. I tried to set up play dates but we would never get invited for the second date so I stopped seeking out other moms with which to judge myself against!
Second, I decided I had to go back to school in a very real way. We all had so much that had to be done to keep all of us going that it became clear that there would be no way for me to return to work full time but I was slipping further and further into the abyss. I hated my children, I resented my husband, and I felt like such a failure most of the time. So I went one day onto the UNM website and just started to look at graduate programs. It had never occurred to me to get a Master's so I didn't even know what you could get a Master's in. For about four months I had toyed with the idea of going to medical school but then realized that I would essentially have had to get a second undergraduate degree before I could apply and that was too much time (and way too much math and science!).
To my surprise there was a degree in Health Communication and I was already almost completely qualified for it! I scheduled the GRE test, bought a book, studied, and flunked the test. I went ahead and applied for the program anyways and enrolled for the two required courses that I would need to have before I could start my graduate work. I figured that if I didn't get in maybe I would work on a second undergraduate degree in Communication and reapply the next year for the graduate program.
I got in and have been enjoying the chance to use my brain in new ways. However, the itch to go back to work gets stronger as the days pass so I will begin teaching part time in August. If I can just hang in there a little longer. I don't think I will regret this time with my kids and I am almost sure that I would have always felt like I wish I'd stayed home when they were babes. I'm so grateful to my husband for creating a life where I can stay home and watch them grow.
I don't really think there are right and wrong ways to do things as long as you are not actually harming anyone. I miss the money, I'd like to be a little more financially comfortable but I think this was the right choice for this family right now. So, if you know a stay at home mom-hit her up! Ask her out to lunch, dinner, just go over and bring a pizza and visit! Or maybe don't and she might get a degree out of her restlessness or change the world.....
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