The date: November 4 is not a birthday or a holiday.
November 4, 2007 was the day my then six-month-old daughter Lily was diagnosed
with Prenatal Stroke, Cortical Visual Impairment, left-sided hemiparesis, and
Infantile Spasms. That cool evening, the hospital doctor on duty had the
formidable task of wheeling in a laptop computer to show my eager family the
MRI scan that showed the exact extent of what we were facing. Right there, a
giant grapefruit sized whole where my baby’s right parietal and temporal lobes
should have been. That was the day when the bottom fell out for my husband and
I. That was four years ago.
There would be other days like April 14, 2008- the day Lily had what was left of the right half of her brain removed and became seizure free, and December 22, 2009 when three year old Lily took her first steps, April 16 when we watch 24 day old baby Matheu, our neighbor in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit pass away, but November 4th is the doozy. I don’t look at a calendar and focus on the date but the feelings seem to find me. The first year after diagnosis, I found myself in a bathroom at work having a panic attack. I didn’t know what was happening but I knew that I couldn’t stop crying and that something was seriously wrong. I called a friend and she suggested I look back in my life for an anniversary. I am not sure how this friend knew that was the answer but it absolutely was.
There would be other days like April 14, 2008- the day Lily had what was left of the right half of her brain removed and became seizure free, and December 22, 2009 when three year old Lily took her first steps, April 16 when we watch 24 day old baby Matheu, our neighbor in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit pass away, but November 4th is the doozy. I don’t look at a calendar and focus on the date but the feelings seem to find me. The first year after diagnosis, I found myself in a bathroom at work having a panic attack. I didn’t know what was happening but I knew that I couldn’t stop crying and that something was seriously wrong. I called a friend and she suggested I look back in my life for an anniversary. I am not sure how this friend knew that was the answer but it absolutely was.
The
second year I had a slight recollection that the day might be hard but really
paid it no attention. Again, I found myself sobbing in the shower as I prepared
to leave for work. The last two years, I
knew better so I work hard to focus the mind but not to discredit the sadness I
feel on a physical level despite my
best attempts to match the tears with rationale.
Anniversary
Reaction is described by Dlin &
Fisher (1979) as: “an emotional physical and/or behavioral response related to
an anniversary or a significant event” (p. 749). The paper goes on to discuss how MD's and psychiatrists have recognized the phenomenon for decades. Both Freud and Pavlov described the phenomenon. This came as a great relief for me. I wasn't crazy or melodramatic. I was having a very human experience.
I have heard many parents express the same feelings sometimes in the face of family members who just don't understand.
Here are some strategies that I have used:
As my good friend Biker Steve, who I light a candle for every November 14, said: Be good to yourself.
"Usually, a specific time or event in the present triggers unresolved feelings related to a traumatic episode of the past. The reaction is nonspecific, and its form is unpredictable, but the anniversary often explains the time of onset." (p. 749)
I have heard many parents express the same feelings sometimes in the face of family members who just don't understand.
Here are some strategies that I have used:
- One way that I have addressed Anniversary Reaction for myself is that we celebrate the anniversary. Every April 14 since Lily's surgery we have a get together and celebrate the victory of the surgery. One year we planted a tree at a park near our house through the City of Albuquerque's Memorial Tree Program. The second year we had a BBQ at that park, and the third year we moved to a fun little cafe and hired Lily's favorite local band so she could sing and dance!
- I find "safe" people I can talk to about my feelings around those times. Some years I don't feel comfortable with my friendships or feel self conscious about having these feelings again so I find a counselor I can talk to for a couple of weeks.
- I let myself be as sad, mad, scared as I need to be. Anniversary reaction is attributed to unresolved feelings so I do my best to be gentle with myself and honest about how I feel. I have found that a good, sad movie like "My Sister's Keeper" or "Legend of the Falls" can work wonders for me.
- I try to remind people around me when anniversaries are coming up the first time so that maybe they won't be blindsided like I was the first year. I take the risk of sounding like a drama queen or a lunatic.
- Finally, I put some prayer and ritual around the date. When it is the loss of a loved one I take out their picture, I light a candle, I visit their grave, or maybe I listen to a song that reminds me of them. Mostly I am so glad that I got a chance to know them and recognize that they deserve my tears of longing at least once a year.I think the Day of the Dead (Dia de los Muertos) is a great day for healing.
As my good friend Biker Steve, who I light a candle for every November 14, said: Be good to yourself.
Nicely said, Lisa.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't crazy or melodramatic.
You're thoughtful and smart and driven, and I admire you.